one last time

i felt happy. i felt sad. i felt crazy. i felt everything, with u. saya ambil masa dari hari dia cakap benda tu sampai lah ke hari ini untuk saya susun ayat properly, find the best way and good sentence to write all these words that might not came out from my mouth directly but from my heart. and i'm sorry it's VERY long, and it's in english. (bcoz i find it weird saying these stuff in malay :D) i wish i can turn back the time and experience back the first time i saw u and i smiled for no reasons. we were strangers back then, and so do we now. it felt different without you, even with the distance, it felt way further. i was once a little young girl who always walk around the school and intentionally walk in front of your class to see u. i ask your friend where r u, what u do, i sat at the front row when u was performing back then, during camping, teachers day, everything. i wanted to be ur best supporter, until today. i wish it was forever, i wish our time was infinite, i wish. we were so young back then that i don't even see myself chasing after u, i just liked u a lot back then, until now. we went through so many ups n downs, from the first chapter until now our second chapter, and i guess the last one. the period of time that we lost each other, dissapeared for 2 years back then, there's a big reason for me to stood back up from the sadness and chase for education excellence instead of love relationship. the day u came back into my life, June 2022, that's when i knew i've got the chance. i've got the chance to really fell in love with u deeper and harder. our second story was amazing, beautiful, healthy, extraodinary, special, all vocabs that ever existed in this world. the things we've done together are the reason for me to always remember how lucky i am to have u as my special person in my heart, what u have done for me, for us. all those little laugh in ur car, our deep talks near the sea, the craziness and 'creativity' late at 3 am , i missed it all now. i am very happy, u gave me the reason to laugh and smiled when i was sad and stressed with projects and studies. when i lost someone important in my life, u was there as my home, my life saver from me drowning in tears and sadness, but now i am sad and u r no longer to be seen. the gift u gave me, the art we did, the watch in the box u gave me back 4/5 years ago, i still have them until today. i don't remember if i've told u this bfore but on our first story, i wrote a track of our relay, marking each anniv day, special day, ur bfday, gf day, bf day, and even the day we ended it, and i still have that book at home. so do our sec story, sticked our poloroid there and wrote what happened on that each day, but this time virtually. i am thankfull for our sec story, it made me believe u r the one, and i've got the second chance to pour my love all for u and take care of u, and i believe i did, i finally believe too that we r the true love story i've dream of, but i guess it's just not true anymore. it was all great until u became honest and prioritize urself first. i don't blame u fully about what happened, but now i believe that u r now a better version of urself when u prioritize urself more than others, including me. at first, i thought u r selfish when u said ur words that day, i want to be mad at u for hurting me this way, but i can't. i just can't hate u and i never will. i wish u fight harder for us, but i respected u, and i can't stop making u feel that way to me, bcoz it's from urself. i now realize the balance of life, i liked u first back then, so there's a possibility that u wouldn't like me, and it happened now, after years. i understood it. i am sorry for not giving u the best, bcoz i believe i could have done better for u so that u don't feel the way u felt towards me now. i am hurted by what u did to me, i cried, painfully. i wish u can see or hear my tears dripping like it's raining but u can't. i wish u can hear me kept on asking "why he did this to me?", "why he hurt me like this?", "why did he sanggup hurt me this way?"... i wish u could have believe in our love, even with the distance, i wish u could always believe in me, i wish u kept your words that we'll meet soon, i wish i could meet u now so that u wouldn't feel that way, but i can't. i wish to hear u calling me baby ftf. i wished... i hope u know and remember how much u meant for me, how important u r to me and how much i love u from far. my prayers r the strongest tool for me to let u know i wanted to protect u from anyone at all cost, but i guess u didn't. u grew how u felt for me in ur heart, u let it burnt u, u let it overpowers our love, and u left. we could have find the way together to make our love stronger and better, u never tolf me, not even once u has started developed that feelings towards me. we agreed before, any of us that has loved someone else, we would tell each other, but what r u doing? why? instead of talking to me, said it earlier and choose to beat that feeling together with me, u choose to go and leave. i wanted to fight for u, i do. but i felt like i will get more pain, more hurt, more sad if i did it, way more sakit than before on our first story and that's why i accepted it, painfully. me accepting ur request doesn't mean i don't love u anymore or even no feelings for u. accepting ur request i believe will be the best thing i can do for u for the last time, fulfilling ur wish. i wish u could be happy with me, smiled with me, laugh with me, cry with me. i wish. but no matter how much i looked back at my starred chat of yours, our pictures, your selfies, our little vlog, even with all of those memories, yet u chose to left me, i knew from there and for sure that u can't feel it anymore. i am sorry u have to bear with me for more that 365 days. our chapter has been the best part in my life, and i believe no other authors can rewrite our story. i know what person r u, i know u very well. but i felt like now i don't. i thought males r tougher, but i guess i am stronger. u r not u to me anymore. it all might not be the same anymore, i still have to get use of not looking at my starred message of yours, me wanting to calling u at night, me wanting to chat u, call u, i wanted to tell u how happy i was when i was complimented by my lecturer the other day. i want to watch PL and any football game with u again, i wanted to tell u my plan to visit u next year, i want to know how's ur day, how's ur injury.. i guess it is all now just a "i wish" thingy. tbh, i am thankful that u left me not bcoz of someone else but bcoz of urself, not bcoz u hate me or we've got a big fight. i know one day , u will be with someone else, u will love her more than how u loved me, take care of her more than how u cared towards me, give her flowers that i wish i could have received from u and not other man, i know. it is my last request from u, i don't want to know about u and ur new girl bcoz i'm afraid i might fight with her for u, i will haunt after her , i will search for her, compare myself to her. so please, don't let me know, even if u have to hide me from or social medias, please do. it might take weeks, months or even years. my last word for u, i'll always remember u, always pray for u, always be proud of whatever u did n do, always love u no matter how. it's u who lost the feeling, but not me. say i'm crazy for still thinking about u, i dont care. but until the day i can look at our videos and pics without crying, i will always miss u. i don't know about u, i just hope u don't put me as a bad person in ur heart. and always, saya selalu ada untuk dia. but not for now i guess. i need time to swallow this painful situation. i spoke to myself everyday, every night thinking and reminiscing back your words, then i cried n fall asleep. i am not ready to face u, talk and even listen to ur voice, and that's the main reason i wrote this long letter for letting u know as many thing tht i wanted to say to u. i'll be the best version of myself the next time we met, insyaAllah and so do you. until that day comes, take care and always be healthy. thankyou , i love you tink, always and forever. from, yasmin.