Untitled Note

i miss them so much my whole family. i really wanna go home but i cant i commited to something and i have to see it through. i know how dissapointed everyone would be. i can see the looks on their face when they are me why i came back. it would be so pathetic to go home and say i was sad and missed people. they would all be so mad at me. im so tired im fucking exhausted but theres really nothing i can do. I really only have two options. stick it out or kill myself. but i know this feeling will only get worse if i stick it out, if i feel this bad now how am i going to feeling in 2 months. i dont wanna spend christmas here i wanna be with my family i wanna hug my mom and kiss my cat. if i killed myself i would be fine, i would feel this all-encompassing longing for something i know i cant have. i feel defeated and theres no one i can talk to. if i tell my family theyll get upset and i cant tell my friends here because i dont think we're at that level of friendship. why cant this just be fun, why cant i be happy, im so pathetic. i just want a hug