life lately.

self harm was my best kept secret for a while and no one ever saw it but it was happening. i really don't know how much longer i could keep this down. sometimes i don't wanna eat anything, i wanna be skinny and pretty like all the other girls at my school. this shit is eating me alive and i can't do it anymore. i just wanna die and all i wanna do is cry but i can't. i feel like i'm dying sometimes. no matter how many times people tell me i'm pretty or something those demons come back every fucking time. i wish i didn't feel like i have to do this to my body but what if i quit? what will i cope with? i just wish i wasn't so obsessed with my appearance because that would make things less harder. everyone seems to know my problems but i feel like no one can solve them. i pinched myself so i felt alive after i had cut myself so deep i saw blood. everyone at school hates me but i hate myself to so whatever i guess. i'm convinced amount of sweet words are gonna pull me out of this. and i don't even remember when my self harm started. something happened and it just set me off. sometimes my words feel like bullets and my loved ones are my favorite targets. this isn't what i wanted but i cant drop the blade. even i can't stop me. i hope everyone knows i'm sorry. i promise i calmed down a little with it though i'm not manic like before. i wish i could pretend this all never happened but i can't. i try not to cut myself . even when i lose control and i want to. i know its unfair to pull them into my chaos.sometimes i scare myself. i feel like i'm six feet under. i'm barely alive right now. my dreams are violent and it feels like my mind splits. i love my friends so much that i let them treat me like this and make me feel like this and its sad because it just hurts. i know its bad but i don't wanna be lonely. the things i go through just so i won't be a lonely loser hurts to think about but i know its my fault. i have the chance to walk away anytime but i don't. my friends really got me fucked up in the head. i think i have never doubted myself so much. i hate that i give them power over that kind of stuff. maybe i'm doing something wrong? maybe i'm just to boring? do they like me? hate me? want me as their friend still? i just don't understand. I feel crazy and insane. this shit is driving me insane. maybe i just prefer the pain instead of leaving them and being lonely? i hope everyone that made me feel this way burns in hell. i hate the way _ and _ make me feel when they decide to fucking team on me its so annoying. they're annoying. school and everything is weighing me down and i just wanna sleep forever. i kno all of this isn't worth it. being alive is just too chaotic. i could see it in my own eyes that i wanna get out.