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I rlly dont know what to do anymore. Everyone says it's bcuz im not goin outside, or bcuz i lock myself in a dark room the whole day, barely eatin and not taking my meds nor sleeping. But the problem is, they dont think that there could be a reason why i barely eat or sleep. Tbh i dont know, its just that i feel sick when i think of food, see food or eat food. And i cant sleep cuz my mind is runnin non-stop. Sometimes i even get random panic attacks at night. The problem is: im not tired. Yes i am tired, but not the "i havent got enough sleep" kind of tired, my soul is tired. I dont know why. I even grew a SH addiction. Believe it or not. I've been a lot more quiet lately, and im forgetting to take the meds. Besides that im struggeling with my looks. I hate how i look, or even act. I even hate the fact that im pan and non-binary, cuz my parents are REALLY homophobic. Im getting scared of everything i hear or see. Im starting to panic if i do somethin wrong, and im even terrified of failing. I know that i am non-stop failing in class, and that the "smart, happy little girl" is already dead, but i cant help it. I dont wanna get out of bed, i dont wanna stay in bed, i dont wanna sleep, i dont wanna wake up, i dont wanna take care of myself, i dont wanna hang out with my friends, i dont wanna live, and i dont wanna die. Its PAIN. Im tryna deal with it, thats why im always in my room, wanting to be alone, thats why im going all quiet, thats why everything is happening! And my coping methods arent helping aswell, starving myself so that i can feel comfortable in my body, and cutting myself if i made a mistake or when im havin a panic. Or when the voices tell me to. I dont know how to explain the voices, cuz i dont even unterstand them myself. I dont unterstand ANYTHING. And my friends r always asking me: "why are you like that?" "why do u wanna die?" "why do u cut yourself?" "why are you so silent?" "why arent you talking to us?" And sometimes, there is NO why, i just am/do. And i hate ppl who think they unterstand me, cuz i should be the first one to unterstand myself. Well, my parents dont unterstand me.. They dont get that words and sentences can hurt somebody REALLYYY bad. I mean, im getting told to kill myself, that im a "whore" and many other things. I cant handle it anymore, i dont know why im like that, and i really need help. And i asked for help multiply times, i showed signs, i told ppl, I even ASKED for it. But every1 just says: "Attention seeker" "lol same" "shut up" "i dont care" "go away" "its bcuz u dont go outside" AND FUCKING HELL- IM SO SICK OF IT!! They dont know ANYTHING! They dont know abt my sh, the voices, the overthinking, not even the SA i've been thru. They dont even realise that they gave me traume, trust issues and many other things. Jeez- there r so many things i need to get off of my chest, but im just gonna shut up here. sorry.