Untitled Note

I am feeling a little emotionally disconnected today. I've been really excited about meeting Rianne but I'm nervous that she's not the one and/or that it won't work out. She is so much of who I am looking for but I feel so unsure at times. It's scary - I am trying to get out of my head and just enjoy the time. I am sad that I haven't been putting in as much time developing my relationship with God as I was before. I don't want to lose myself in a new relationship or somehow NOT make God a priority. I'm bummed about June needing the difficult meds. But happy her and boudz had such a great time yesterday and that she did pretty well in the bath! I miss Tim, Anthony, and Andrew. Would love to hug them and laugh, play games, or even just spend time with them in any way I feel bad I haven't been as good as a friend to Jesse and Thomas/Maddie, and Jonathan. I wish I hadn't ignored and/or forgot about them on my trip. I love them so much. I feel a little overwhelmed about my trip. I am excited to be going but I am not feeling carefree about it. And I'm not sure what to do about Rianne. I really didn't want a partner so I could feel open to meeting someone. At the same time, I'd feel like an idiot if I didn't try to make it work with her. I guess I'm feeling some amount of "ties" to her and that inherently feels less free. There is likely some processing and growth I can be doing around that. I'm grateful for my friendship with Blake. I'm grateful for my family - which can be hard to feel greatful for in the moment. I'm really grateful for Drew - I wish he was on a different spiritual journey and that he KNEW God but more so that he would experience God and experience His radical. I dislike christianese. I really want to be in a loving community of christians who encourage me to pray, trying love me like God is loving me, and with whom I can talk about the hardships of trying to be close to God when it can feel like it is so much easier to not. I think I'm feeling a little tired still. Maybe a little weary? I'd liek to drink less - I want to be healthier and to feel more empowered. Do I have an addicition? I think I might. God please help me with this.Continue to transform me - please break down and push away any barriers I have that stop me from experiencing you. I want to be closer to you. I want to feel more of your love. Oh yea don't forget to get June's nails trimmed Please help me be intentional in developing more friendships here in Richmond. Help me love others with a love like yourss and also let me guard down to be loved by others. TO let their love be sufficient in some sort of way. GGod please help me forgive Mary Ellen and Ashley. I'm sad that both feel hurt and that Ashley isn't the kind of friend I need/want right now. I wisht hat was different. But, please help me with acceptaence. YOU are the great redeemer and reconcicler. We will be together in the hfuture. Please please please help me forgive, reconcicle, and stand firm in the love you have for me. God, I want to feel your love. Please help me. God lead me to be the man you made me to be. I don't understand quite how but I know you KNOW. That you are both fully present and letting free will be exercised while also allowing YOUR power to ditact the future. If you are EVERYTHING than all good and evil is from you. That is crazy sounding. I don't know what to believe. But I do know I want to feel your love and be transformed into a mann that serves, sacrifices time/energy/himself, and leads in love. This earth can really suck. Thank you for making it. But man, humans can realluy suck. Please help me pause and be mindful of how I am connecting with you in moments, minuetes, days, hours, etc. I need to get some type of reading/schedule/quiet time set up for my trip so I don't take a vacation from YOU, God. I want to head to europe a man wlooking for God and to come home being a man who experienced God and is STILL looking. That my time with you is one of eagerness, gratitude, patience, and solitude with YOU crying out your name like Jesus did. At times it si easy to feel foresaken but LORD, KING OF KINGS, redeem me and thank you for your relentless love. Thank you.