Hey

Hey Sometime in April jaja Hey it’s me, i know this is not a good sign...cuz the last time I started writing notes in here, it didn’t end well. I don’t rly know what’s going on with me but, I don’t don’t how to express myself anymore...the anxiety is hurting me like crazy. I can’t think straight, my mind is always on and I can never get a break. But if you were to ask me what’s going on, I wouldn’t be be to explain it. I think I’m the most ok, that I’ve been in years...but there’s still something inside me that is constantly pulling me down. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t even really know what’s bothering me tbh. Or maybe I just don’t want to think abt it. I talked to some ppl today, and they were stuck in their head...and I kinda felt bad for them, bc of how lost they felt. but I literally feel the same WAYYY. If I don’t think abt it then it’s not a problem right? I just feel the feelings of the problems, but I don’t actually know what they are. What is wrong with me. I’m screwed. I don’t want to talk to my ex therapist, or my friends, or family. I get like this, I just want to rot in my head for as long as a can. Why won’t I ever ask for help. probably bc of my pride. My pride and selfishness will probably end up killing me one day. May 9th 2022 i relapsed and I hate myself for it...I was doing so well, ffs it’s been 2 years clean. May 22nd 2022 “Don’t forget me because I will never forget you” May 24th 2022 I don’t know what to do, my anxiety is through the roof...I’ve been having panic attacks and anxiety attacks, pretty much whenever I’m triggered. I just can’t breathe, I feel myself slowly fading away again. I don’t know what to do. please help me. May 29th 2022 Me too!! I want you to be happy!! I want you to not fall back and stay there.... you do you... i know how you are and i know you are smart, clever, and in a way strong.... so please dont give up after i leave. Also... please promise me you will find good quality friends or close people who you can trust and be safe. I don’t want you to keep your struggles for yourself. June 19th 2022 Uuuffff im sorry youre feeling that way. I kind of understand whats happening. I dont have full context, but i get you. About the Cony thing i dont want to give my opinion unless you ask for it. For the other part, i want to tell you something. And that is: please get out of all this drama Mia. I care a lot for you, and you getting into this drama is affecting you. Ive seen you happier than when i met you. Ive seen you smile more and i really liked that. Makes me happy looking at you enjoying where you are. (Idk what changed you or who, but dont lose all that by getting yourself into all this cheap drama) I dont want to be rude to Cony, Martin, or anyone at all; i know they also have to deal with their own mind and burdens. But i dont want you to lose all the value you have been putting to life, and just for all this drama that is not even life changing. For the part about me.... i totally understand you. You are not stupid. To let it put weight into your mind and deal with it......totally alone that’s stupid. June 24th 2022 Give me a naked truth A simple little statement will do Give me a naked truth I haven’t talked to my father in 6 years And still hurts, and sometimes I cry But the healing takes longer, when you don’t try Give me a naked truth He holds me like he loves me But I know deep down, he’s just in it for the sex And I’m tired of pretending that it’s more than that. Give me a naked truth I tried to kill myself last week I don’t remember much, all I remember was feeling weak I ruin everything I don’t know how much more I can take. what’s your naked truth? We all have them So please just let it go Don’t try to dress it up, cuz that’s just for show. July 1st 2022 “ I can’t lose you Mia” July 7th 2022 “If it’s not your first choice, don’t pick it” July 15th 2022 Give me a naked truth He says he’s not just in it for the sex He says he has feelings for me He says I’m important to him But he can’t say he love’s me He says he doesn’t want to hurt me But I love him . . . fuck…I don’t know what I’m doing, what are my properties? what does life mean to me? I’m constantly in flux of being happy and being consumed with anxiety and loneliness. Life is good, don’t get me wrong…but currently I feel like the smallest thing could shatter all of that. I’m scared. I feel like I’m fucking up everything good in my life. I swear to god Mia…you better get your shit together. See ya until then… July 20th 2022 Mia... Im.sorry.... But TE QUIERO MUCHISIMO MIA....... Just be calm and go with the flow. Don’t back off because of me please August 1st 2022 Hmm idk if I should rant, or just say what’s on my mind. How did I end up in this kind of situation? More like how did I allow myself to be in a situation like this? Remember when everything first started, and my gut response was always no? Why didn’t we listen? I don’t regret anything I’ve done over the last 6 months of my life, but sometimes I wish it never happened. Cuz if it never happened than, I could never feel this much pain…because I would have never felt this much happiness. Pain and happiness go hand and hand, and I know that. I just want something that I cannot have, and that kills me. I miss them already, and they’re not even gone yet. Why did I allow myself to love? When I know that love just brings pain. It hurts. I need to get over this and “start again” - my fucking favorite thing to do. How many fucking times am I going to have to start again, and collect myself off the fucking floor!? How many times am I going to have to put myself back together again??? What is it going to be this time Mia? Am I going to dye my fucking hair? Am I going to relapse and stop fucking eating again? Am I going to fucking isolate myself from everyone again? Am I going to hurt everyone I fucking care abt? How am I going to start over this time? God it hurts. Fuck you for caring abt me Fuck you for giving a shit Fuck you for being there Fuck you for listening to me Fuck you for making me smile every day Fuck you for giving me all my firsts Fuck you for not loving me August 2nd 2022 Yeap.. And lets be honest at this point i cant say i havent been attached to you.... So dont get me wrong when i talk so easy about me leaving... It is hurting... And it will hurt August 4th 2022 Mia.... Those words are the best thing right now to me. Thank you so much... I may not cry who knows maybe i will. But i want you to know... That even if i dont cry, it really hurts leaving you, you are really important to me. I do care for you and I spend the best times with you. Thanks mia. August 8th 2022 Hey also i wanted to tell you! Im so sorry i killed a little bit the mood with the jelousy thing.... I didnt wanted to kill it. I thought it was going to be different. And i want to tell you something.... I wanted to but my sister and mom got here early. Mia.... I said it didn’t matter about the other girls... Cause i see why you are jealous of vanesa. Literaly the same reason why im sometimes jealous of martin. You have history as well as i have history. That’s only why i said it.. Cause i relate with you. Now please i want you to really understand that even if this was "open" or whatever you want to call it, you are super important to me. And not only as a friend, i will actually include you as my partner/couple/girlfriend here…You were a column for me this 2 years we have been together. . . . First of all, i want you to know that im truly saying that I LOVE YOU Mia! I want you to know that you make me feel that way! I wouldve like to have more time with you too. Im happy to know that i would be your choice, cause you would be mine too. Believe me that every time i talk to you i bite "my tongue" cause i can’t say all this things to you. It will hurt to leave you, and i don’t want to. About the Martin thing i understand, believe me i hate myself for not giving you that part. I dont like to see you get hurt.... I would but that’s the thing that bothers me; hurting you. It hurts me read that you’ll become past in that context..... Technically everyone is past... But i want you to know that every single second i spent with you are in my heart. All those moments i looked at your eyes.... God i love your eyes, when we went to the mall, every kiss i gave you, every moment you listened to me, every time you laugh at me or with me. They will vividly live in my heart and memory. You have a very special place in me. Please use me as learning and not as destruction. I’ve learned a lot from you and i hope you did from me. Don’t sink when i leave please... I want to be proud knowing that i impacted and was the boyfriend of a great woman. Cause you are so don’t lose that mia please. And if you are in my same page... I am your boyfriend, and im so happy of being yours. I’d love to remember you as my girlfriend. I want to higlight a really beautiful, amazing, charming, kind girlfriend!! . . . Mia... You dont know how much those words mean to me. You make me so happy knowing that i made some impact on you. And you did on me too, that’s for sure. You made me feel loved, made me more confident on myself. You made me feel brave of saying things straight. And you always helped me being a great listener. Im so thankful for you. Thanks for giving me the most precious thing of yours, your heart. I am so happy of what you’ve become throughout this time. You are such a lovely person, you will be a great woman, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc. You light up peoples lives. You have a big heart, dont change that. (But just be careful.) Im glad youll try not to sink... You may sink but dont give up. For me will be easier cause I’ll have other things in my mind that will keep me from getting down. But that doesnt mean this will not affect me. Look i need to be careful with these words cause i dont want to confuse you... But like i said im going to the US with no plan. Who knows what life does .... But if life ever puts us back again im 100 percent open and willing to try. I want you to try your best in life mia... Maybe it is me or maybe it isn’t me but i want you to be the same honest, patient, positive woman that is my sweetest girlfriend. August 14th 2022 I’m still so fucking mad and disappointed in you. But I could never hate you, I love you . . . You are loved mia....you deserve this... You really have a big heart it just has been punched a lot.... and im not leaving without you knowing i actually loved you for that heart and not your body. Day 1 dear memo, This is your first day of college!! Wow your so big and grown now jaja. I hope today goes well and is stress free, I hope you don’t get too anxious..cuz I know your going to do great! I’ve always had confidence in you memo, including now. Just to let you know, I’m alway here for you, just one phone call or text away. I’ll always make time for you, and to listen to all the littles things that happen throughout your day. Now let me list a few things I love about you. 1. Your smile (god I love when you smile, your smile makes me smile) 2. Your laugh (half of the time you make yourself laugh, but I love it, never stop laughing memo) 3. Your heart!! (This is a big one, the capacity you have for kindness and compassion is amazing) 4. Your humor (you make some of the strangest, funniest, jokes I’ve ever heard memo.) 5. Your brain (you make the cutest face when your thinking abt something rly hard, and some of the things you think of, are so creative..I love your big brain) There are so many things to love and admire abt you. I hope you’ll always remember that. Have a great first day!! Love you memo <3 -Mia Day 2 Dear memo, Second day!! I hope you learned some of your teachers names, so you can charm them like you always do. I’m sure they’ll love you, like I do. Today I want to talk about all the things I never said. I think you are one of the few ppl who actually make me speechless. I would know, cuz some ppl say I never shut up! Jaja but you always seemed to take my breath away. I never fully understood how, I could be so okay with just listening.. to everything you had to say. But I loved it. And if I could I would listen to every story, every song, every random thought that comes through your mind…all over again. You always had the right words to say, even if they were in the wrong order jaja. When I’m with you, I feel safe..and like everything around us just stops. You make hours feel like minutes, and every time we have to say goodbye..I miss you more than the last time. Thank you for always being yourself, cuz I love who you are. -Mia Day 3 Dear memo, Here is a list of some of the best memories you’ve given to me. 1. My first kiss, I was too chicken to tell you how I rly felt..cuz I was scared. But you knew, and you made it happen. Thank you for giving me that memo. 2. The Christmas formal, you were the first one to take me to that type of thing. And I had a great time with you, I kinda liked that the other couples were jealous of us, cuz we were the only ones actually talking to eachother. And I remember that, you made me get an extra plate of food, just so you could have more. You make everything fun. 3. Car rides, every since we started taking you guys with us, it was has been the highlight of my day. I love being able to talk, and listen, and debate with you in that car. And I can squish up against you, without it being sus jaja. I only wish I could’ve held your hand, or laid my head on your shoulder. But you made me love cars rides, especially when they were with you. 4. Any school event, I remember always “trying” to find ways to help you..at the events..just so I could stay close. I wasn’t rly ever that helpful, but I liked to think that I kept you company. I loved how you never minded that I follow you around like a lost puppy dog. And you always made me feel included. From the garage sales, to midnight mania, to the walkathon. You made all those events 100 times better. 5. Every time you would come into “my office,” you know I would get soo nervous before you would come…like sooo nervous..that sometimes I couldn’t even concentrate. And I thought that as we got to know eachother better..and closer. That those feeling would subside..but they never did! You still make me nervous to this day..you give me butterflies all the time. But you know what’s funny? As soon as you would walk through that door, everything was calm..I wasn’t nervous anymore. I guess I was always just so anxious and excited to see you everyday. All I know everything is better, when I have you by my side. There are so many more, I could just go on and on… bottom line is thank you. Thank you for all these beautiful memories. I love you memo <3 - Mia Day 4 Dear memo, 4th day!!! I hope if we get the chance to call, you’ll tell me all abt it. I can’t wait to hear, all the things that happened. Sometimes I wish we could erase goodbyes..from the human experience. “Because saying goodbye, means going away, and going away means forgetting”. And I refuse to forget you. But then I think abt…all the bad toxic ppl I’ve said goodbye to, and I wonder if it would be worth it to still have them in my life…if I never had to say goodbye to all the good ones. But then I think abt you. I would have all those toxic ppl in my life rn..just so I didn’t have to say goodbye to you. Because that’s one of the hardest things I’m going to have to do. Like one of my favorite songs recently, unfortunately it’s unreleased..but still. one verse goes “ I need him like water, he lives on a land mine… we won’t be together, but maybe the next life.” I need you like water memo, I need all of you. And yeah rn we won’t be together, but god..if all the stars a-line, and I get the chance. I’m sure I’ll fall right back into love with you. If not, I just hope you’re happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Love you <3 -Mia August 19th 2022 I swear that you are getting prettier and prettier every day that passes! Day 5 Dear memo, Wow, it’s the last day! I hope you had a great week. And now you can get some rest:) I fell in love with all of the small things that you do. From the way you sneak little touches in everyday..whether it’s holding my hand or patting my head…or just staring into my eyes. From the way you remember little things that I tell you, and how you always try to make me laugh. I hope this week you learn some things, and maybe mess up a little too. I hope you let some new ppl in, and make some friends. I hope you laugh and smile a lot! I hope you explore, and discover different parts of yourself. I hope you hold onto your values and morals. I hope you’re happy memo. And if you’re not, I hope you’re one step closer to getting there. I hope it’s okay, that I hope for so many things for you. I love you more than I could’ve ever imagined, I hope you’ll always remember that. Keep pushing through, and never give up. I know you can accomplish anything, you put your mind to. Meeting you was one of the best things to ever happen to me. And I know that every other life you touch will feel the same. Never stoping listening memo, but also find someone who will listen to you just as much. thank you for everything memo! Te amo <3 - Mia August 29th 2022 It hurts more than I imagined, i love him so much. And deep down I’m waiting for his call, every single minute of the day. But every time..I pick up the phone, I die a little inside. When will it end. When will it stop hurting so fucking much? August 30th 2022 I’m here…I’m right here…this is where you stole my heart. This place, this office. Right here. It’s quiet, everything is still. Even tho everything looks different, it still feels the same. I’m kinda glad they changed it tho, cuz now it will forever be ours. Every memory comes crashing down, every kiss, every I love you..I never said, everything touch, every word. It’s all here. In some ways I can feel you here, I can feel you’re soul within these walls, you’re spirit. I wish you were here. I wish I didn’t have these memories, cuz I don’t want you to be a memory. I want you, the present you, not the past. I need your touch memo, I need your voice, and your sweet words. God, I need you here. August 31st 2022 I would wait a life time for your response. I would wait hours upon hours for your message. I would bleed myself dry for your words. I would wait forever for you. Even if every time I check my phone…I don’t see your name. Even if I die a little bit inside when I realize you don’t have time for me anymore. Even if I cry every time I hear your voice. Even if I put you above all else even when I don’t have the time. Even if I kill myself loving you. Today it’s been 1 week. Today it’s been 1 whole week without your touch, without looking into your eyes, without feeling your lips on mine. It’s been 1 week since you left me. And I don’t know how it’s possible but every day my heart seems to crack open a little bit more. I can’t breathe without you, I can’t think without you. Why’d you leave me? Why’d I have to fall in love with you? Why’d you love me back? I wish you hadn’t. September 2nd 2022 Today I said goodbye. Today was our last. Today I said goodbye, for good this time. I love you, always will. This is by far one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But I did it for you. I did it for us. I want to see you grow into the man I love. Even if that means, you’ll love someone else. You will be okay memo…I have no doubt of that. From the bottom of my heart..thank you. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. Don’t forget abt me okay? I really hope you are my first and my last…but who knows. At least you got to be first..like always jaja. You are in my heart. There will always be a place for you there. I love you memo, don’t ever forget that. September 5th 2022 I would rather leave you with your lust and a healthy heart.... than having sexual wants and a heart into pieces. September 14th 2022 Mia..... I love you too! I will always love you and you will have your own part of my heart.... That NOBODY will EVER fill or substitute! . . . goodbye memo, for real this time ? September 23rd 2022 I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. Sometimes I think i don’t feel very much at all. But when I look at him I feel too many things. She scares me, probably because I don’t know how to fix this. Probably because I don’t have the answers. Why? Just why? Couldn’t you spear her? Couldn’t it be someone else? I love her, please make the pain go away. I feel like a horrible person. Every decision I make is selfish. Every wrong I try to right, should have never happened in the first place. Fuck you, I miss you so goddamn much. I hate the way I remember you. But I’m keeping it all together, it’s getting easier day by day. You probably knew that. You did it for me, don’t think I don’t know that. It just hurts. I’m so sorry cony, I’m sorry I can’t make it better..I’m sorry for things you will never know. I’m sorry Martin. I’m sorry for having feelings I probably shouldn’t. I’m sorry for never letting you go. I’m sorry memo, I’m sorry for cursing your name. I’m sorry for crying every time I think abt you. I’m sorry for loving you a little too much. I’m sorry for hurting your heart. I’m so sorry. It been a month. One whole month without you. And one whole month with him. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to. I’m so sorry for loving you both. I’m sorry. September 27th 2022 This is not real. I’m heartbroken, I’m numb. I don’t feel anything. It can’t be real. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! God please no, this isn’t real. I’m in shock. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me this isn’t real. October 8th 2022 My grandmother was one of the brightest souls you could have come across. She brought warmth and laughter into a room. When I arrived in Virginia..it was raining. Now one could say that was an effect of the hurricane, but I would say..that the sky was crying out for her and mourning her loss. She touched so many lives, and so many hearts. She is and will always be a women of inspiration in my life. She taught me to be strong..she taught me to love whole heartedly. And in the face of doubt, to always persevere. I’ll never forget her love of birds, and cats..I’m probably going to be a crazy cat lady just like her. Her love of books, and learning..and her love of red. Her memory will live on through my heart mind. I hope you will do the same. I love you grandma. . . . the moral of the story is I’m a dumb bitch..and I could write a fucking novel abt my fucking life choices rn. Anyways tell me when you figure your shit out…peace. . . . Evergreen - christian French October 10th 2022 I want to die. Not because I hate myself this time…I mean I do don’t get me wrong, but at least it’s not all the time..and not to the same extent. I hate my actions, and decisions..I hate my brain. So I guess I hate myself a little too. Everything is going to shit, i mean come on..what do we expect from me? It’s always like this…i fuck things up. It’s a viscous cycle that apparently never ends. I’ve hurt the hearts of so many ppl this year. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I just want it to end. High school I mean…this shit show. Idk maybe I need to take another break from everything and everyone. But then guess what??!? that will hurt ppl too!!!!!!!! I should crawl into a hole and become a nomad. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Fml. Honestly just fuck me, and not in a good way. Anyways with all that being said, I need to figure everything out. Make amends and shit. Fix things I’ve broken, or at least try to glue them back together. Maybe fix myself along the way. And figure out what my damn FUCKING priorities are. Im sorry, I really am. I wish I could make it better. I’m sorry. October 13th 2022 The more I ponder, the more I am less sure of myself. The more I think, the less I feel I deserve any of this. The more I dream, the less hope I have. What do I do? I don’t know, every time I think I’m closer to my decision..the farther away I become. The more the clock ticks..the more insecure I am. Who am I? What am I doing? I used to be confident..I used to be untouchable. I used to be brave. And then I fell. I fell in love, and I mean rly fell..I hit the fucking floor. And I was loved back. Yet somehow, that made me question everything. Like how could he love me? Why does he love me?! For my body? For my brain? For my heart? Yet he loves me and makes me feel safe. Why did I lose all that confidence and self esteem? Am I not secure enough to be loved? Can I provide what he needs? I just feel like I’m crumbling into nothing. Like the ground is sinking beneath me. Who am I? October 18th 2022 May save you from a crisis https://www.supportiv.com/tools/online-chat-room-get-anonymous-answers?amp October 19th 2022 1. Azul - Cristian Castro (this is to give my mexican side) 2. Cristina - Sebastian Yatra ( spanish and is kind of the position im in... But dont take every line of it too literal , is more of the feeling) hopefully youll get me 3. Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes (this song just makes me think of you... How beatiful i see you and the vibes of the woman you are or may be..... Again dont take it literal..) October 25th 2022 I hate myself. Except I actually have a good reason to, this time. I fucking hate myself. I don’t deserve to be happy. I hurt, and I hurt, and I hurt people. Over and over again. No wonder why she hates you now, and can’t stand to even talk to you anymore. No wonder why my mom thinks horrible abt herself because of me. No wonder why I hurt him, and played with his feelings. I hate myself. October 28th 2022 My dream last night: So I was at school and I was talking with Martin, like normal…and he started to get pretty flirty. Then he asked me if he could kiss me…and I didn’t rly want to, cuz I hadn’t told him the whole story yet. But anyway he ends up taking me to this tree jajaja…and we climb it and, he wants to do it there. Butttt memo is like right next to the tree. And he sees me, and I freak out. And Martin is like what’s wrong? And I’m like oh it’s nothing…but before I can explain and tell him that I can’t. Memo shows up with his bros, and memo is yelling at me telling me to get down. And the other bros threatening Martin. But ofc Martin is like “don’t talk to her like that”! So memo comes up the tree and carries me down..ofc Martin protests. Then memo ends up taking me to this rly cool, and weird like skateboarding park. And I was rly good at skateboarding jajaja. But then right next to it was a big stadium, and there was a show playing. So we went and watched it. It was a bunch of ballerinas dancing…but once the show ended..I woke up. Wow November 2nd 2022 Hey, so um I’m sorry how this might come out. But I’ve been going through a lot, as you know. And I’ve been thinking alot, but to put it bluntly…I can’t be with you. Um I’m rly sorry, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t. And everything is just too much right now. All I can give you is a friendship. And I’m sorry if that’s not enough, but that’s all I have. But I understand if you don’t want that anymore. I completely understand! I always have had in my mind that, the last thing I want to do is hurt the ppl I love. But it kinda just keeps happening. So again I’m really sorry Martin. November 2nd 2022 1. When will things start to get better? 2. Will we end up together? 3. Why does literally everyone I love leave? 4. Why do I always make the wrong decisions? 5. How am I going to do all this?? 6. Will I be enough? 7. Do I go back to the states? Or stay here? 8. What is the point of all this? 9. How do I fix my relationship with God? 10. Will I get another kitty for my birthday? Answers jajaja: 1. Things will start to get better... but patience constancy kindness, and people. Is what makes it shorter this moments. I know how you feel, and i really hope you can learn and be in a better position. 2. I dont really know.... But if God says it is you He will let us be together and save us for each other. (Prayer is the only thing we can do) 3. I will be really honest with you... the people who left, were in your life to help you learn and unfortunately is not people who really love you. Honestly you were in a bad position with the people who you loved but were not people who would help you grow for your whole life. 4. There will always be wrong and good decisions. We tend to do a lot of wrong decisions. When i was between 14-18 i made a ton of wrong decisions. And i have to say that i am who i am because of those wrong decisions. If i wouldnt made them i would be a jerk to you rn. (I still do bad decisions) 5. I dont know, but try being most patient you can. You have others who can help you. You family, my family, me, etc. Try to take care on not putting to much weight on minor things. I believe in you 6. Enough for what? You have being good up to now... obviously you are capable. For me? Common... i see the great things you have. You may not see it, but i do. I want you to know that you have your own special traits. I want you to realize how special you are. 7. This is something you will eventually have to decide. BUT... decide it for what you think is best for you. Dont take a decision tied up to me. (This is a longer convesation... which hopefully we will have) 8. What is all this? Life? There are differdnt ways to answer that. This is a longer one too. We need to become better everyday we pass... spiritually and physically. Help others, be in peace. Gods glory. 9. Uuhh this one is a loong one.. and i could try to answered it. Im not 100 percent the correct one to talk about but..... I aint keeping silence... ill speak from what i know and my experience too. I believe 1. People who you are with. 2. Environment 3. Praying 4. Reading the bible 5. Listening to others people mistakes or testimonies. Now obviosuly all this sound difficult or too much and even boring. It is a vertical and horizontal relationship. Vertical is you and God. Horizontal you and your brothers and sisters. Both are important for us. Look i am trying to fix mine too. If you let me i would share different things. Try to help you, and try and do it together! 10. Probably not ? November 6th 2022 Thanks princess, I hope you can rest too! Take care please! Talk to you tomorrow. Yo tambien Te Amo Hermosa! Goodnight 6 am mcdonalds apple pie!???? November 11th 2022 It didn’t feel the same…it felt a little empty. A little bit hallow. But that’s my fault I think. I know it will take time, but this just hurts…it almost feels suffocating. Some parts of me, just want to stay away, I feel like that’s what I deserve. It wasn’t the same. But how could I expect it to be. November 16th 2022 - Would you still date me if I was a worm?? - No! - Why not? - Can a worm talk? Can a worm clean? Can a worm cook? Can a worm love? Can a worm joke? Can a worm laugh? Can a worm hug? Can a worm kiss? - I love this man jajaja November 22nd 2022 I do want to know mia.... but im not asking you to tear and destroy yourself saying those events. Take your time.... but i do think it is important to me to know. Im here for you mia.... remember that.... those stories are done.... i wouldnt let them hurt you mia... belive me each one if them i check they arent going to hurt you in any way. This is only be between both of us. I love you mia. And im so sorry for this. I want to know you from top to bottom, in to out, past to future No matter what is it.... you arent trying to save from me. Im here to support you and take care of you as much possible.... but if i dont know my partner how can i do it!? Im not loving you because i lost a bet or im playing an ego game........(i know nobody said that jaja) i love you cause it is simply you, who you are now. How you treat me, how you talk, how you grow, how you love me! Knowing you completely will give help me understand most of you.... November 25th 2022 Ahhhh only a little bit longer until the new year. Honesty I’m kinda lost right now. Well maybe not lost, cuz I know the path I need to take. I think stuck is the better word. I feel so stuck. I feel stuck with school, like I’m so unmotivated to keep going. I feel stuck with friends, or lack of them. I feel a bit stuck with my relationship with God, but that one is on me…it just will take more effort. And I’m stuck with my bf. That one hurts a lot. Stuck in the sense that, yes we are together, yes we love each other, yes we are saving ourselves for each other and trying to grow through God. But we have issues, not only external ones…but some within us. Like for example, because of the situation we are in…I overthink and become extremely anxious. When this happens I tend to shut down…but you can’t shut down in a relationship, not when you have a partner to care abt, to love, to consider. And I’ve never had to worry abt that before. I’ve always been alone, it’s always just been me. But this time it’s different…I have a beautiful man to share my life with now. So I guess I’m adjusting to that. It’s such a good thing don’t get me wrong…sometimes I can’t express or even put my love into words for him…cuz it’s just indescribable. But I need to break some of my old habits for that to work, for US to work. And I’ll do that for him. But yeah anyways….I guess that’s been on my mind a lot recently, and just missing out on some things that are happening in his life. It sucks…but it won’t be like this forever…I know that. Also things with God have been interesting. I was kinda talking to Martin abt it. And he told me to breathe, slow down, take it slow. But if you know me…I don’t take anything slow. I’ve been “without” God in my life for almost 4 years now. Yes He has been there for me, all these years…but I haven’t let Him help me, guide me…for a very long time. So yeah I kinda just want to jump right into it, cuz I don’t want to waste another second, not listening to Him. So yeah I’m doing alot, and it might be too soon…but I’ll learn, and that the whole point. We will see, there are still some hard parts in my heart. And I’m hoping that God can help me work through them! I know what I need to do…it’s just actually doing them. Sometimes when I talk like this I can’t even believe it’s me speaking jaja…who knew I would come back to God like this? Well He did, and I’m grateful the door is still open. Also I’m 17!!! Omg I can’t believe it…I’m so old, and life has taught me some pretty intense lessons. But I still have so much to learn! Which can sometimes be very scary….I can very much be a pessimist. So when I used to think of the future…it was always negative. Cuz I looked at my life and thought it can’t get worse than this. But logically I knew that what I was going through, wasn’t going to be the hardest thing in my life, there is always more…another struggle. So the future looked like more struggles, more pain, more heartache. And I didn’t even want to get there…to have the chance to experience more pain. So I tried to end it. I don’t think I look at the future that way anymore tho. Maybe it’s cuz of my relationship, maybe it’s cuz of time. But the future looks so much brighter to me now. It’s filled with hope, and love, and yes even more pain. But with God I’m confident I get get through all of that. I just have to keep going. Not give up! December 12th 2022 I think I lost him. I’m so fucking scared rn. I can already feel my brain preparing myself to lose him again. I don’t think my heart can take it. I’m going to lose him. I just thought it wouldn’t be so soon. I can’t do this. It’s hard enough as it is…I can’t do this without him. Please don’t make me, please don’t do this. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I’ll do anything…just don’t take him from me. December 21st 2022 I know me too..... happens with me too. but we gotta keep going babe. it is you and i, no matter if we wont be able to see each other for a month A year, or whatever Only us Mia December 25th 2022 https://gifft.me/b#YsvpJZK6mVA5Z94vqhF5 December 26th 2022 Aaaahhg what an interesting few days…I don’t know what happening in my head lately. But at least I have my family, and my love. That’s all that really matters. I’m trying…all I can do is keep trying. I won’t give up this time. Thank you, for everything ?? Uhhh and this lil text to cheer you up if you ever need it. I hope you can rest babe! Have a great trip tomorrow. Please pack everything. Love you so muuuch!! Take care and text you tomorrow! Cant wait to play with you. I miss you a ton. Goodnight my princess moonshine! Love this man, HES FINALLY MINE!!!!! January 1st 2023 Memo’s favorite tv shows 1. The Boys 2. Big bang theory 3. The Office 4. Fresh Prince 5. Parks and recreations 6. How I met your mother 7. Good Doctor 8. Modern Family 9. Brooklyn Nine Nine 10. Titans 11. Young Seldon 12. The Umbrella Academy January 6th 2023 Aaahhhhhh wow, it’s the new year! I’m going to try to leave a voice audio…yk trying something new jajajaa . . Well I just found out I can’t do it :(((( But it’s fine I’ll just type Instead of ramble my head off. Maybe I should address the time. Yes, it’s 4 am. Now why? Well you see…I could give a bunch of excuses, but I’ll just say how I’m feeling. I’m scared..and a bit anxious..and I can’t sleep. I’m worried abt him a ton. Not bc I think something will happen, but because of his mental well-being. I want him to feel peace, and calm. Not stressed, or angry, or sad abt all this. I want him..I need him to be okay. Look in most of our relationship, he’s been the strong one for us. He’s the one who’s stayed up so many late hours, just trying to calm me down..and work through my feelings and anxieties. That’s what he has done for us. Yes ofc there were a few times where he needed some advice or help from me. But nothing compared to what he gave me, the support he gave me. I’ve always felt bad abt this, cuz a lot of it stems from mental health and trauma. And I hate that! I hate that my past affects my current…affects our relationship..it kills me inside. And most of the time I wish I was different. But he’s been so patience and kind with me. But this time is different..he needs me rn. He needs help. And I’m so scared that I can’t be what he needs, or that I can’t help him in the same ways that he’s helped me! Some of this is illogical..I know that. Like obviously the one who will provide the most help will be God and hopefully his family. And all I can do from that part is pray and have faith. But I still feel responsible for trying to make everything better. I know that’s not my job, and it’s an impossible one too. But I love him too much to see this happen to him. I hate seeing him…so lost. It rly hurts. And I love seeing him vulnerable, kinda funny to say that but it’s true. Men for me..have always shown this one face, and in one way almost made me feel like I couldn’t cry or feel emotion..cuz if they were okay I should be too. So seeing his emotion and his hurt…means alot to me. Cuz I know it’s not easy for men to fully trust someone to do that with. And that means he trusts me…and yeah it’s not fun seeing him broken..or hurting. But it’s a million times better than just keeping it in or pretending. I just want to get through this. I want to come out on the other side of this and smile. Come out on the other side… and be able to kiss him, and tell him we got this. This is going to be very difficult. But I’m going to be strong, I’m going to fight! Im going to be strong enough for the both of us, even if he doesn’t always have the strength. I’m not giving up…on me, or him, or us. He’s worth it. Please be worth it. I just pray that God puts His hand over him and protects him. Shields him from this world and it’s evil, guides him in the right direction. Please help him Lord. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him before. And I don’t think I ever will again. Please protect our hearts Lord. I’m trying to not worry, we will be okay. It’s just rly hard sometimes. Help me be okay. January 6th 2023 The moon doesnt reflect from the sun BUT, from your eyes, mia!?? thas why you are my moonshine . The vitamin D you give it to me with just a kiss . You open your eyes... and the sun hides its paintbrush cause you paint the view better than him . Youre beauty feeds me for the whole week This man jajaja…what will I do . . . Because of you babe, my dreams are real, cause im dreaming awake. January 7th 2023 Because of the love I have for you. Starving is delicious since my stomach is fulI off butterflies!!!?? . One day is a century without you ? January 8th 2023 You will always be my inspiration, because of seen your face in the moons face, listening your voice in the waves, and every song reminds me of you! January 9th 2023 Having you in one arm and my dogs on.the other i would be the happiest man alive . I wanna have you in my arms, have you in my dreams... so that you can wake me up with your kisses. Let me give you my hand to always have you!!!! January 10th 2023 You have eyes that would shine whole Manhattan, and a beautiful voice that a thousands landscapes portrays!!??? Everytime you walk is a parade!!!? January 11th 2023 I wanna make you a great poem using the sky as paper....take the clouds as cream and bake you a big cake. And gift you the moon, sky, and stars inside a crystal box!!!????? January 12th 2023 When I take a walk to concentrate, in my head there is always your voice seducing my reasoning. I wanna live, because the world turns... and you know it turns cause of you!???? January 13th 2023 i have all your kisses as tattoos all over my body. Taking them from all the time we have spent. It become an adiction to see your eyes, and breathe your breath. January 14th 2023 Whenever you ask for something ill give it to you, if i cant is cause it doesnt exist. And if it doesnt exist ill invent it for you!?????? January 16th 2023 If you feel beat up, i will give my soul... to heal that pain. I wont let you give up, ill fix your wings, and with my love for you ill give us invincible hearts!!!?? You are virtue and beauty in one. You make roses fight for each other to be yout brooch. I love you more than a new world, more than a perfect day, more than my music and more than my years!!!?????? January 17th 2023 Your smile's shine and love from your cuddles, gives me the north of my path. You are the beautiful thief who stole my heart, ehich i was keeping for tomorrow. So take care of it for it is yours now!????? January 18th 2023 Love me while you still can, cause life is a wheel goin round and round. I havent seen a storie where someone dies and takes something with him. But the good thing of this story is that you are my partner babe. From this flying life. Lets keep writing this poem we make with our love!?? January 19th 2023 You are an angel who fel for me, a simple rebel. I tried to find you in every corner of the earth. You are the only one who gives me emotions and lose track of my path. When i kiss you I leave this world. My beautiful angel!!!!???? January 20th 2023 January 21st 2023 To learn how to love you, I will study how to achieve your dreams. I will read you slowly..... cause i want to understand you. I dont know your story nor your train of thought.... so ill just do it even with mistakes. When i saw you I felt something weird inside. Kind of a mixture of crazyness and fear...... but your eyes gave me a look that if i lose you, i will lose a big fortune!??? January 24th 2023 I dont usually talk infront of people.... so i dont know what happenes when im with you. Maybe with you it is different, or maybe i lost my head.... How come, i can talk to you, without speaking... and still say it all? January 25th 2023 There is no thing more inexplicable than your look. Incomparable in the way you get jealous..... and later trying to dismiulate that it is not bad. Thas why I love you without complains. Ill take your tears and make them laughs!?? From all that people at the moment, something made me say hello. I promise our hands wont feel coldness. I miss you a ton..... but i call you and then i forget about it. Maybe ill be somewhere else... but im so lucky i was the one who found you!??? January 28th 2023 It has being difficult to steall yoour heart... so I might keep it at least for long time. Just for you i would be your captain to "not let you leave" and make it my first order.? Finally you gave me another reason to be scared to lose something. I wish all our memories make you crazy at night, without hurting you. There will bee nothing left if you leave babe! January 29th 2023 Well something rly messed up happened. Ofc when I go digging up the past…it’s going to reveal a lot of hurtful emotions. But here you go…this is what you’ve been searching for the last couple years. The notes you wrote. Brace yourself. (These were all written in the year 2019… Between the months of August-December) - December 13 2019, is when these were released To: Mom and Dad: hey I just want to say I love you. With all my heart I love you but that wasn't enough for me to stay. Bc the thing is I'm broken,I'm exhausted. And I'm tired of waking up at 3am and just crying bc living is so hard. I can't really give you an explanation or a reason. But I'm so lost. Once you become "numb" you first realize your lack of empathy towards others. Then you realize you don't care about your friends. Then you realize your so broken that you don't even care how much it will hurt the ppl you leave behind. I've gotten to that point...the point where the only person I care about is myself. see once I lost all "feelings" the only thing that was keeping me here was God. Not my friends, family, loved ones nothing. Just God. But as time passed I eventually gave up on Him too. I felt like He had left me, but in reality I'm the one that left him. And I was so heartbroken that my creator...the God who made me had left me. The one and only being who knows everything about me, wanted nothing to do with me. After that moment everything started spiraling out of control. All my burdens became heavier, my addictions worsened, and the trauma finally started to settle in. And I don't write this letter to give you comfort, bc only God can do that. But rather so that you can have a better understanding of what I was going through. I am not that little girl you once knew, Mimi's gone. And I know how much you wanted to believe that she was still there inside of me...but I killed her, I destroyed every last piece of her...bc it mad me sick to see her so full of joy, when I couldn't even put a real smile on my face. But listen don't think for a sec that it was your "fault" bc you weren't good enough parents. Sure our family wasn't perfect, but I had the best life and family. And both of you are my biggest role models. Bc you have been there for eachother through thick and thin. Even when it was hard even when you felt like giving up. Mom you are one of the strongest and most beautiful women I have ever met. You held our family together, when I thought it was going to crumble apart. You have always been there for me, in all my moods. A day didn't pass where I doubted your love for me. And Daddy I'm so proud of you for making it this far, even though you have been through so much trauma in your life...your still hanging on to God. And you have always provided for this family to fullest. And you've taught me so much about life and God. I couldn't have ever asked for better parents. I would always tell myself that if I get married...I want my relationship to be like my mums and dads. Bc you two inspired me to be a better person everyday. And I'm really sorry that I wasn't strong enough to hold on a little longer. And I really thought that with time...I would heal but I truly think it's gotten worse. I never wanted it to be this way but it hurts so much. Everyday I wake up not wanting to be here. Every day I'm scared that I'll hurt myself. I wish I could've reached out to you, but I've never been good with words. I'm scared, but the one thing that I want you to remember me by is that I will always be in your heart no matter what. Where ever you go I'll always be there right with you. Take care of Leo for me, you know how much I love him. I love you all. Much love, your daughter Mia To: Leo hey lil bro just wanted to remind you of how much I love you. And I'm rly sorry I had to go like this, but you don't understand how much it hurts. Some days are rly good, but then some days are rly bad. And at the end of each day I get the same feelings....that I can't push away no matter how hard I try. Leo you know you are my best friend...and ik I can tell you anything. But I could never tell you this, I am so broken I couldn't even tell one of the few ppl that I trust. And I'm sry bc you had the right to know. and this may be hard but PLEASE NEVER LOSE HOPE in God like I did. I wish I could explain better, but some things just can't be put into words. but I do want you to know that, I'll always be in your heart...and all the memories we have together will never be forgotten. I love you so much...and I know one day you are going to be a wonderful young man. Just keep striving for God each day, and you'll never regret it. Take care of mom and dad. love you 3000 bro ? To: Alfonso Hey bro. How are you? I pray that your doing well. So yea just wanted to say thanks, thanks for always being there when I needed you. And for cleaning up all my messes. Idk how but when I first came here I never thought in a million years, we would become friends. But with time, we both changed a lot. And now I'm so proud to say that your like a big brother to me. I guess our relationship was different than all my other friends, bc no matter how upset (or annoyed) you made me, you would find a way to make me smile, and I would forget why I was mad in the first place. I guess that's what siblings are like xd. Also you were never fake, it was always real, and that's one thing I've always loved abt you. But you know that every one has their flaws, and burdens and mine was that I just couldn't love myself. I didn't think that I had any meaning or purpose on earth. I'm not gonna lie, everyday was a struggle to get through, but you managed to make it a little easier. Idk if it was your spontaneous humor, or your randomness but you always made me laugh, and forgot abt my problems for a second. I honestly can't thank you enough. I didn't have to be fake around you, and I didn't have to fear that you would ever judge me. I'm really just not in a good place right now, and ik you are probably mad at me for making this decision. But the truth is I rly don't know if I'll last another day.... I'm really sorry, and I hope one day you'll forgive me. Just promise me you'll take care of Daniela, ik you will but girls sometimes just need that reassurance. You guys are going to be the best parents, and ik you guys are going to be a great husband and wife one day. Keep being yourself, and never lose hope in the Lord. If the one thing that has got me this far it was God, He is my rock and my foundation. But I just got lost along the way. Thanks for putting up with me, I love you so much. Stay strong Alfonso. Love, your lil sis Mia To: Frealy Hey girl...first off I want to apologize, I sorry for not telling you, because I know you would have been there for me...and maybe things would have been different. But my reason for not telling you was that you already had so much going on...like my bro, school, and other things. And the one thing that I promised myself...was That i would never put that burden on you. I would never want you to worry about me. And I just wanted you to believe that I was okay. But the truth is that I'm not ok, I'm not fine. I'm in pain...and the saddest explanation that I can give you is that I hate myself...I hate my past and I can't stand the person I've become. I try so hard everyday to be happy and positive, but at the end of the day I always end up feeling the heavy burdens upon my heart. I haven't recently just started to feel this way...tbh I've been suffering for a while now. But it has become more prominent over the last 2 years. And I'm rly sorry if this caused you any pain...but your better without me - even if I still was here I wouldn't have been a good influence or a good friend for that matter. Bc right now I'm so broken that I can say the only person I care about is myself, and my pain...I don't care about the ppl that will be effected by this decision. and I really wish I could've been strong enough...to see another day. But I can't go on. Take care of my bro( ik you guys are going to make so many great memories together). I know you'll grow up to be a beautiful women...I just wish I could be there. I love you to the moon and back ? Love, your best friend Mia